Day 9

“He’s Just Not That Into You.”

It’s true. He’s just not that into me.

Well that sucks, ’cause I’m very into him.

I just need my trust that God knows what he’s doing.

Signing Off

-Average Girl

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Day 8

Am I just being dramatic?

Ok, let me start by saying that I really can be dramatic. My poor friends. But ok, sometimes I don’t think I can be really honest with my feelings because I don’t want to offend people.

I know, “I’m too nice” at least that’s what I heard but I literally have the hardest time letting stuff go like sometimes I want to just sit in my pitty and someone agree with me.

Is that being too dramatic? Because oh well.

Lately I’ve realized how alone I feel. Like I mean don’t get me wrong I have a ton of people who are here for me and support me and love me. But, geez guys sometimes I’m sad and I feel alone and I really don’t want to burden other people with those feelings. But also, sometimes people just don’t get it.

I’m messed up.

I want so badly to go to sleep and wake up one morning and have fast forwarded like six years.

Hopefully I’m at least traveling or spending time with the love of my life. (Might be a dog, who knows at this point)

Yes I know all things take time, yes I know everything is as exactly how it’s supposed to be right now, but I don’t think people realize how much I literally hate myself and how much I want to be someone else and how much I just wish I wouldn’t be broken.

Sometimes I want to hate my ex. Sometimes, I wish things didn’t end the way they did. And sometimes, I just wish my ex would have just loved me.

I just want something good. And I want something that is just mine and mine alone. Something I don’t have to share or compete with someone else for.

I just want to not feel alone in a crowded room.

I know, I know, I’m being dramatic.

Well….

Signing off

-Average Girl

Day 7:

I know, I know.

I am the worst. I have not posted in a while.

Truth? I have been struggling a little. What I mean is, when I start to feel sad and depressed I go to the gym. Probably, not the best start to the gym since you know, you should not trade habits. Truth is, I am struggling with my self worth a lot.

You know, no one ever tells you how much a toxic relationship destroys you on the inside.

I mean, you still care for that person. (Sometimes). You still want the best for them. At least on my end.  I guess that even though that relationship is over, I am constantly left wondering what my worth is to everyone around me. Am I good enough? Am I doing enough for the people around me. Do they even care? Why can’t they see me?

I question every type of relationship I have. I cannot even like someone because, I am so done wasting my time on such useless relationships. I also question how they view me. and if they don’t or I am unsure I automatically assume they don’t and then I question again, why I am not good enough. I mean I was no saint either. I am sure that I did things that hurt my ex too. Stuff that I was not aware of. So maybe I am just the worst. Period.

When I was a cutter, my therapist asked me why I did it. Like what was I getting from doing such a thing to my body… I simply told her. “It was like taking a drink of water after being thirsty for so long on a hot day.” Or “Like taking a breath of air when you have been holding it for so long under water. Here’s what I have noticed as well. I actually like when I am running, full force..pushing through, feeling like my lungs will explode. Why? Because, when I stop….. I break down to tears and I crave that feeling.

So why can’t people see me?

I am just that average I guess.

Signing Off

-Average Girl

Day 6:

Last night I found out some news about someone I know. And what’s crazy about it, is that I, actually was happy for them. Even though literally everyone, friends, family, mutual acquaintances, yeah they all hate me now. And honestly , I thought I was ok with that. Like you can’t make people love you or want to be your friend. And honestly I didn’t try very hard because, well, I knew I wouldn’t “win” anyway. I knew the person we all had in common would have them. And that’s ok. I really believe God does things for a reason and that’s one of them. He knew what people I needed in my life. He knows exactly what I need. And so even though I am hurting because people that ended up being of value to me, I am of no value to them. That’s ok because the one I am of value to is God. I have met amazing people who have taken me in and support me and push me and ground me. These are the friends/family you want.

So the next time you feel like you just can’t do it anymore. Your overwhelmed with emotions and just everything around you. I hope you take peace in this as I did.

Psalms 61:2 NKJV

From the end of the Earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

Signing off.

-Average Girl

Day 5:

When you fail miserably…

So I am wanting to lose weight. Not because I’m unhealthy and overweight… I mean according to national blah blah blah I am. However, I in general just want to eat better and exercise more because it makes me feel better.

So normally I would have scarfed down so much junk food etc, however I’m doing really well.

Here’s what I’m not doing well at.

1. Being courageous

2. Not being sad

3. Being happy (which is obviously said in #2)

4. Trying not to miss that relationship

5. Trying to not be bitter at my “friends”

I feel like such a bad person because I want to be closer to people but I literally find any reason not to be because of everything… and I want to be happy but I’m just so out of it.

So I am failing miserably at the new year.

Signing off

-Average Girl

Day 4:

Well it’s Jan 1, 2019.

I want to be more courageous. I want to be able to stand up for myself. I want to love harder than before. I want to be stronger. But most of all,

•••

I want more of God in my life.

•••

This year I want to be a better me than last year.

I never want to look back and say I could have done this better or I should have done that.

I just want to live the life God gave me to the fullest. And be thankful for everything that he has blessed me with.

I want to be a better Christian.

Proverbs 16:9 ” a man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”

Signing off

-Average Girl

Day 3:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dear 2018,

James 1:2 NKJVCount it all joy, when you fall into various trials

You rocked my world.

You gave me a trip to take in February.

You gave me something to celebrate in March and took it away.

In April, you made me stronger.

— Luke 22:28 NKJV “but you are those, who have continued with Me in My trials.”

In May, you gave me a calling.

In June you gave me an opportunity.

In July, you opened doors.

In August, you gave me sight.

In September you gave me courage.

In October, you showed me unconditional love with friendship.

In November, you showed me grace & forgiveness

In December, you gave me fear, you made me realize my worth, you gave me family.

— Deuteronomy 29:3 NKJV “the great trials which your eyes have seen, the signs, and those great wonders.”

Thank you for a trying year and made me who I am today.

Signing off,

-Average Girl